Douglas reading to Alexandria (5:30am)
Ethan has begun to speak a lot more in the last few weeks. His baby babble is just starting to map to English and he really enjoys having books read to him.
Sitting in my office this past week, with Aden and Gabriel were sitting at my desk playing on PBSKids, I stared out the window at the area that would soon be our garden. Another one of those dreams, having a garden, something to teach the kids… something to teach Alexandria. A chance I won’t ever get. Ethan walked up to me, “book book book”. I didn’t turn from looking outside right away and he became insistant, “BOOK! BOOK! BOOK!”. “Ok,” I said, as I turned my head. He was holding, “I Love You all the Time.” The last book I read Alexandria. It’s a book all of the kids adore. I thought I put that book away. I took it out of his hands and set it on the table next to us, hoping he’d lose interest. He didn’t, he scrambled up onto the couch, grabbed the book, gave me his mad stair, “BOOK!!” He flopped down in my lap. I read it to him, but could not contain my emotions. I started crying on the second page. He looked at me with those big blue eyes, not understanding, but still kept turning the pages. I continued to read. Gabriel, got up from his seat and walked over to me… he started to pat my arm gently and say, “It’s gonna be all right. It’s gonna be all right… I miss baby Alex too.”
Ethan mimicked him.
I have such good boys, but I feel so bad that they have to deal with a father like me. I should be the strong one, but I am so terribly empty. I’m haunted by wishes.. I wished I’d done this before she left…. I wished I’d taken more video.
I wish she was here.
I took her crib down tonight. I knew I’d never be ready, and I wasn’t. But it was time.
You are a tremendous father, don’t ever doubt that!
Doug, never doubt yourself – you are the father that was given to your kids. The right father for them. Strength is not about not showing emotional or tears or fears, quite the opposite. Your boys need to see you in all emotions, even the difficult ones, if not especially the difficult ones. They will learn from it and be better men for it – they will be men like you. Gabe already has such strength, understanding and intuition – he was given those for a reason – to help you. It’s hard to believe that a 4 year old is supposed to be a rock and a source of strength, but that is what his purpose is for you right now – to be a rock for you. Embrace that from him – he will help you through this. There will always be wishes, hopes, dreams, unfortunately. I have them for my kids….and the regrets when I don’t get to everything I wanted. I can’t imagine what that is like for you. Just remember that Alex had a tremendous life in her short time and that is because of you and Kim, because of your love for her.