She left us a month ago.
Mid week this past week we met with Jessica and Dawn from hospice and I couldn’t stop crying. It was the first time they came to see us at the house since she passed and it was as if every wall I’d carefully built to hold myself together just crumbled. I’m glad that we saw them though, it was good to see them. They told us that our pediatrician has asked the head of perinatal-hospice to speak at a conference of family practice doctors. It’s good to know the existence of the program is being spread so that others can be helped by HoM. The last few days have been rough for me. I’m not handling it well. Both of them could see that, I couldn’t keep the curtain up to hide it in front of them. I can hold it together for work, I can put on the good show, most of the time. It’s not a good distraction any longer though. There are times it’s unbearable to be in the office. Getting up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth seem pointless. But, I have a family that depends on me, and two mortgages to pay. So I get up. I brush my teeth. I go into the office. I hate it.
I look at pictures of her… and I can feel her in my arms. I can feel her weight, the softness of the blankets, her smell, her sounds. No matter how much it hurts though, no matter how much I want her back I won’t get her back.
I think that many of us hope that when we pass our loved ones with be standing there, waiting. They’ll hug us, love us, and walk us into heaven. For a long time I’ve hoped my mother will be waiting for me.
I’m not hoping for that anymore. I’m not even praying for it. I’m not afraid of death. I’m not even concerned with the pain of dying anymore. I’m praying that God will put me back there, back to February 4th, 2012. I’m praying that he’ll put me there, so that when she dies I’m waiting for her. I’m there to pick her up out of my own arms. I don’t want her to be afraid. I want her to open her eyes in the afterlife and I’m smiling, arms open, and will carry her in my arms into the next life. It’ll be like she fell asleep and awoke in the most beautiful and comforting dream with me still holding her.
I hope he grants me that prayer. I want nothing more in this world or the next.
