4th Day (Funeral)

I wrote some of this on February 14th, 6 days after the funeral, and more as the weeks past.  I should have written more while it was clear in my mind, but it was too difficult for me to do so.

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We woke up and the house was buzzing with people, which was nice.  The busier it is the the less I concentrate on losing Alexandria.  Kim and I needed to be at the church early for the visitation.  As we were leaving Gabriel ran up with desperation saying he wanted to come with us, I wasn’t about to argue with him, not today.  We got him into the car and made it to the church.

When we arrived no one from the funeral home was there yet, but they pulled up shortly after we did.  I walked out to their van and carried her casket from the van into the church.  When we assembled in the front area of the church, Pastor outlined the best way to position things in the small entryway.  We placed Alexandria’s casket to the left near the entrance to the chapel and setup the picture boards around the room.  A good friend of ours pasted some pictures on a large “A”, which we setup on a table on the other side of the chapel entrance.   

Phil, one of my best friends, and Marlene, a friend of both Kim and I, were the first two people to arrive.  Because of work projects and everything going on with Alexandria I haven’t seen a lot of Phil in the last few months and it was good to see him.  It’s amazing the weight that can be lifted off your shoulders when the presence of friends is near.

A lot of people came, many friends, church members, and even a woman who had read our story on the  baby-center website that Kim had posted on.  The funeral was beautiful.  Pastor’s message was great.  He and I have spoken a few times and it’s interesting to have his perspective on her birth.  He did not know that Alexandria wasn’t breathing when he entered the room, he only knew he was told by the staff to hurry.  I can still feel myself holding her hand while we prayed, and her first breath after we said Amen.  It is so hard to accept she’s gone.

After the service many people had to leave, only about half that I had expected to stay for the lunch did stay.  I know that many people had to get back to work, or home to their kids.  The food was very good.  I felt rushed though, knowing that we had to leave for the cemetery in an hour in order to make the timing deadlines with the cemetery.  I spent a good amount of the lunch time trying to get loose ends tied up so that we would make it to Saginaw on time.  During lunch Gabriel asked to see Alexandria again.  I took his hand and we walked through the church and into the chapel.  I unlocked her casket.  He looked at her briefly, spoke a little about her, and said goodbye again.  It was hard to know what he was thinking, he’s so quiet, but I knew that when he was ready he’d talk.  We returned to the lunch area where he quickly disappeared to talk to… well to just about everyone. 🙂

As time got close for us to leave, Kim and I went into the chapel alone.  Finality began to sink in.  We taped photo’s of the family into the top of her casket and decided to say our final goodbye’s there in the church.  We did not know what the situation at the cemetery would be like, but we did know we would not get the privacy the church afforded us.  I made sure her baby ring was on her finger, and her cross was secure around her neck.  We prayed, we cried, and then prepared to leave.  Aunt San and Uncle Bill’s flight was leaving in a few hours, so making the trip to Saginaw wouldn’t be possible for them.  They very graciously took care of assembling all of the flowers and food and getting it back to the house.

Gabriel asked to ride with Kimberly and I to the cemetery.  I initially didn’t want him to ride with us, I wanted to talk to Kimberly about what was going on in private.  However, after looking into his eyes I could tell this wasn’t a request that should be put off, and we all piled into our car.  I realized a few minutes into the trip he was going to have questions and Kim and I were definitely the two to answer them.  He had some questions about why she died, where she was, etc.  We continued to tell him that she was very sick, but not in a way that he or we could get sick…  and that she was in heaven now.

When we arrived Gabriel told us he wanted to see baby Alex one more time.  I took him to the van where her casket was, took the key out of my pocket, unlocked, and opened it.  He paused for a moment and then said to Kim and I, “I need to pray over her.”  He laid his hand on her head and prayed his favorite prayer, “Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blessed.  Amen.”  It was a surreal moment, one I won’t soon forget.  He’d seen Pastor pray over her a few times (other prayers obviously), that clearly sunk in.  4 years old going on 50.

We said goodbye, closed and locked her casket, and I carried her to the grave-site.  Pastor Rob gave the graveside service. There were a few people there from Midland, but not many.   We later had the feeling many people felt the graveside service was family only, we probably should have made it more clear to people that it was open to anyone.

After the service I handed her casket to the cemetery workers and they laid her to rest in her tomb.  Kim, Gabriel, Aden, Meghan, Robby, and I all dropped flowers into her grave.  Gabe asked to drop another one because his first went into the dirt and not on her tomb. Anything he wanted…

 

We each dropped some dirt onto her closed vault, and then one of the cemetery workers and I began to close the grave.  After the first load of dirt I asked Michael to help and he and I closed the grave together.  It is very much a closure thing for me, to close the grave myself, much like building her casket myself.  It was my role, as her father, to take care of her from cradle to grave.  Today many people shy away from this part of the cycle. Some don’t even go to the cemetery when they bury their loved ones… for me, putting the dirt on the grave myself, is very important.  It may sound morbid to some, but when I closed her grave there was a peace that came over me, a knowing that I’d done all that could be done. We loved her, we gave her everything we had, and now I’d seen her home, that I’d made sure she was safe.

 

As we were closing the grave Gabriel asked, “Who’s going to die next?”  We told him hopefully no one will die for a long long time. 

Afterwards I just sat down next to her grave and cried.  It was done.