Last night Kimberly and I went to a grief panel. A number of individuals sit on a panel, all of whom have lost a child for one reason or another. They answered a list of 8 questions, in round-robin fashion, explaining what happened, how people reacted, how they coped. One couple is from our church and have lost two children. We have spoken to them before, they attended Alexandria’s 1 Month Birthday Party, they are incredible people. As I heard their story again, from them, they said something I had taken for granted. They had/have a wonderful church family which has provided them with terrific support. It naively didn’t occur to me until last night that everyone in that church knew what to say and how to help us, because they had walked that walk with them. They had learned what to say, how to help, how to comfort, how to support. I am so sorry that they had to be the “trail blazers”, but we benefited, Alexandria benefited, from it so greatly. Perhaps that’s why God led us to St. Matthew, he knew this time we were not strong enough to be the trail blazers. I feel guilt for that. I hope they know how much their support and help has meant to us. They are good friends.
I had a rough time throughout the evening. It made everything real. It was hard to push things away. Which brings me to the most terrifying revelation of the evening. We walked out, talking, and even joking about every day life issues with our friends. One of them asked if I’d ever met “Nancy”, the woman who facilitated the discussion. I said “No, I’ve never seen her before.” Kim gave me this odd look. “What?” “That’s Nancy, the councilor,”, Kim replied. Kim had taken me to see a councilor, someone I’d seen several times and even blogged about in Pentecost.
I had no memory of her. I didn’t recognize her. I didn’t associate with her with anyone I’d ever known. Unconsciously I knew I didn’t want to get close to this person at the meeting, which now I understand. My mind had completely blocked her out. “Didn’t you think it was odd that she called you by name?” “I thought she read my name tag.”
That’s a bit scary for me. I can pull lyrics from songs I knew in my youth from just a few notes, I have a fairly good memory, albeit not with names… but I know when I know someone. I realized I couldn’t even picture the face of the councilor I’d seen.
Not sure what to do with that. Not sure what this means.
Doug, Don’t worry or panic or even feel guilty. You not remembering Nancy’s name simply means that you are still grieving, still coping. Your mind honestly, and innocently, blocked her out because it was too much for you to handle at one time and maybe it still is. You have to take things slowly, of this I’m sure you understand. You are simply dealing with everything the best way you can – and that’s okay.
Glad to hear you are attending these sessions. I agree with Emily, your mind is closely focused in these times, and some things just won’t click. That will go away, but maybe not till spring even.
God bless
Dad