A year ago today I walked into Pastor Robert Appold’s office at St. Matthew Lutheran Church. I had called him several days prior, explained I was someone who’d attended his church once or twice, and needed someone to talk to… some help. Kimberly and I had learned of Alexandria’s diagnosis two months prior and were in complete mental and spiritual freefall.
I laid everything out for him, and I mean everything. I told him about Aden, how we found out he had Down Syndrome when he was born, his deafness, the difficulties we’d had over the years. Our loss of Matthew. Our struggle to find a church home. Alexandria. I was going to lose my daughter. I had to get my family through this. I wanted all of my children to know God, even Alexandria, no matter how much or how little time we were given. I had to be able to explain God, the afterlife, and death to our extremely inquisitive three year old. We were lost, we were drowning, and needed help.
I can’t even imagine someone laying all that at my feet in an hour. I feel a little guilty about that. I often wonder if this type of thing shows up in his office every now and then… Either way, I am very thankful God sent me there. There were things Pastor Rob said during our conversation that confirmed for me I was in the right place, things I believe the Lord knew I’d need to hear to be comfortable. Trusting does not come easy to me. It takes me time to open up to people. We spoke for quite a while and he believed his congregation would welcome us without fail. He asked me to come on Sunday and either he or I could explain Aden’s condition, his behaviors, so that people would understand him better… and share what I could about our family.
Sunday came. I sat in the back, hiding myself away. I wasn’t sure I could do it, I wasn’t sure I could stand up in front of 200 strangers. I lack a gift of public speaking. Pastor spoke briefly to the congregation, then asked me to come up. I looked out at all of these people and did the same thing, I laid it all out, from Aden to Alexandria. My family is in crisis. I need help. Please help me.
I did not expect the reception I received after service… they flocked to me afterwards. They opened their hearts, hugged me, I was overwhelmed with support. There were families there that had experience with losing a child, people who knew sign language, educators familiar with the developmentally disabled… It was, and it is, the right place. Luke 9:11 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” I never had a prayer answered so quickly and so completely. Each step of the way through our journey with Alexandria the congregation of St. Matthew has been there with us. Even now, as I struggle with her passing, they are with me.
That day, a year ago, changed our lives. I can never thank you enough for saving us.
I think of you often and hold you and Kim in the healing light of God. Alex was already doing her lifes work before she wa born, this is such an amazing story. She brought you and Kim to God. She brought her brothers to know God and now she rests in the hands of God. What an amazing little girl!! So perfect for the work God gave her to do. Rejoice in the success of her lifes work and weep without shame for the heartache you have for having to give her back to God so soon. Prayers to heal and prayers to remember all the joy she brought.