Gabriel making sure Alexandria can see him. (12/22/2011)
One of our greatest concerns before Alexandria was born was how Gabriel was going to handle everything. He knew Kimberly was pregnant, he’d been told that there was a baby in her belly, he’d seen Ethan’s arrival less then a year prior. He was so excited that we were having a baby, even more-so when he found out it was a girl. He’s quite enamored with the girls in the neighborhood, I think because they aren’t as rough and tumble as his brothers… and now a sister was on the way.
He was going to remember her.
He was going to have feelings for her.
He was going to have to, at such a tender age, come to terms with her death.
While she was here he loved her as deeply as any of us. He held her, he sung to her, he kissed her. “I’m so excited she came out of mommy’s tummy!” he would say. He still says that, but it is usually prefaced with “I miss baby Alex.” After she passed he told us that she died, often. He was trying to understand it, trying to connect the pain he felt with the reality of the loss he was experiencing. No matter how often he brings it up we’re careful, we listen, we let him express himself, we talk to him about it.
Then he stopped. He stopped mentioning her, he stopped telling us… until earlier this week. Gabriel began making up songs. Mostly to a tune that he knew, Mary had a little lamb, London Bridges… But within each song he’d sneak her into it. He’d mention her death. This evening we sat down to dinner and we take turns saying grace. Grace usually consists of a rendition of “Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blessed.”, a standard Lutheran grace my family has used long before I was born. He announced that tonight was his turn and he was going to tell us a prayer that we’d never heard before.
Gabriel: Come Lord Jesus, we love you, we love mommy, and daddy, and sister, and everyone, and baby Alex died, and thanks for gifts…
Ethan: AMEN!
Gabriel: … and love everyone and be our guest…
I looked up momentarily when Ethan screamed out Amen. Never heard him say it so clearly, much less as loud, before. Kim almost lost it muffling a giggle as best she could, the timing was just perfect. We told him it was a wonderful prayer. A light touch of humor from Ethan, against a sobering moment with Gabriel. He’s finding ways to express his grief, his confusion, his pain. He’s talking about her more often now, and Kimberly and I are talking with people to help us help him. Please pray for Gabriel, pray for his comfort, and that is given the grace and understanding that has eluded me.
Gabriel holding Alexandria
