It’s been two weeks and I still can’t sleep. I still can’t write. I have a post for the day of the funeral and one the day after that still haven’t really been finished. I flushed out some notes, basically sentences here and there… maybe I should just post them as-is. Maybe then people can see how completely scatterbrained I’ve felt.
We went to small group for the first time without Alexandria this past Sunday. At the start I was overrun with emotion. I’d always had her in my arms, held her while we ate, etc. My arms were empty. I had to step away from everyone and pull it together. I can’t stand falling apart every few minutes in front of everyone. I feel weak. That’s the kicker isn’t it? I work hard to make sure Gabriel understands that it’s ok to cry, I cry in front of him, I tell him it’s ok, I share my feelings around him…. but put me in a public setting and I’m blanketed in shame. I feel like I’m burdening everyone. Tack that on to worrying that my losing it makes it hard to support Kim and you’ll see a never ending cycle of guilt and pain. It’s comical and pathetic all at the same time.
But we did laugh that night. We laughed. For a few moments we stepped out of grief. I don’t remember why or about what, but who cares, we enjoyed a light moment in life with friends.
I shared some of my problems answering Gabriel’s questions, especially his question about Heaven. The next day one of our small group members showed up at our house with a book for us to read with Gabriel…. such incredible people.
To start the first “regular” week off Kim, Aden, and I all contracted Ethan’s flu. I had the entire living room covered in plastic tarps to keep Aden under control, Kim kept Gabriel and Ethan on the second floor. I just want a nice long boring break.
Went to work this week. Had lunch with the same friend who had told me he was afraid I was unprepared for Alexandria’s death, that I wasn’t facing reality. We talked a good bit and he thinks I may want to talk to a doctor about my depression. I think I’m doing better, at least better then last week. I’m not one for pills. Work has been a good distraction, for the most part. It can be difficult to concentrate at times, others it gets my mind off things.
I don’t know why, but after putting the boys to bed last night (Friday night) as I walked down the stairs I thought I had to take care of Alexandria… for just a split second. It had become such habit… That was a hard hit. Kim said she knew how I felt, that it was something we did for so long…
I had some horrible nightmares this week when I did sleep, nightmares centered around her after she’d passed. I’d like some regular dreams, nice dreams, dreams of holding her and taking her to church.
Kim and I spent some quality time together after the kids went to sleep tonight. It’s important to stay close, talk, breathe. Always remember to breathe.
