Happy Valentine’s Day. In my mind this was the next milestone for Alex, the next thing to look forward to. Another bucket list item – give her Valentine’s cards and maybe share a box of chocolates with Mama 😉 But unfortunately she would not make it this far. Too bad. Valentine’s Day is a fitting holiday for her. All she knew was love. So many people loved her. Even people who’d never met her.
Instead, today I cleaned. All of us but Gabe had the flu this weekend. Time to get the Lysol out and eradicate any germs. Good thing we didn’t have this when Alex was here. I don’t know what her fragile little body would’ve done with that.
I started with the refrigerator because the kids were asking for food and I needed to figure out what was still good. I haven’t been grocery shopping since before the funeral. Our neighbor was kind enough to run to the store yesterday for emergency food since we were stuck in bed. I opened the door and started moving things around. There in the back of the top shelf was a bottle of formula that was mixed and never used. I guess it’s time to throw that out.
I noticed even after I put the dishes in the dishwasher something didn’t smell that good. I started going through the funeral flower bouquets and clipping the stems, changing the water, throwing away the flowers that were past their prime. One bouquet had started to mold. Ah, there’s the smell. Time to throw that one out.
Later on I decided to mop the floor. I vacuumed, then decided to use an old towel to mop the floor so I could really scrub at it. I got to the place where some of Alex’s one month birthday cake had been smushed into the floor. Bright pink fondant. The towel went over it and suddenly it was gone, erased from the floor.
There are reminders of her everywhere. So many of them are being thrown out or erased from existence. I struggle with that. I don’t want her to be forgotten. I don’t want to forget her. But the pink fondant on the floor must go. The plaster on the bathroom floor from the molds we took of her after she was gone. That can’t stay there forever. Eventually all the Christmas cards I have taped to the dining room window trim will be taken down. That would include the “Granddaughter, it’s your First Christmas” card too. I wish I could leave it all just the way it was when she was with us. Maybe then it would feel like she was still here.
I think I’ll make the nail polish that spilled on the carpet in the living room an exception. At least for now.
Happy Valentine’s Day Alex. We love you and miss you so much.
Love, Mama
I’m the same way. We have blanket’s all over the house that I grab and hold, I don’t want them put away. I won’t take down the portable crib in the living room. I told Kimberly I never wanted her to take Alexandria’s clothes out of our closet, ever. I returned to work today for the first day and all I could think about all day was Alexandria.
I’d have left the fondant. 🙂
As a side note I’ve found that Kimberly’s forehead smells just like Alexandria. Weird, I know, how many wifes want their husbands smelling their forehead, really? I think it’s because they are both Vogts, but she thinks it cause she rubbed her “greasy forehead all over” Alex. :p I love them both so much. I just wish I could have them both here now…
I met you through Alex’s obituary in the GR Press, and have cried through your story, and have prayed for your family. I cannot begin to imagine your pain, but know that your precious Alexandria could not have been loved more, and there is no greater gift you could have given her. I am so sorry you could not add Valentine’s Day to the list of milestones you shared with her, but I know that she was loved more in her short lifetime than some people are in a long one. I definitely agree, the nail polish must stay, and I would really struggle with the cards as well. I find it so strange after the death of a loved one, how everything in life has changed – everything – yet routines continue, kids get sick, floors need to be cleaned, and the whole world around us goes on as if nothing has even happened…..as if the precious life that ended did not even exist. Well, Alexandria DID exist, and she will NEVER be forgotten. It will take more than pink fondant on the floor to remind folks of your precious little girl. In fact, she comes to the minds of strangers who never even met her <3 and our prayers for all of you continue as you care for your boys each day and hold Alex in your hearts.
Alex will never be forgotten. No matter how much you clean or put things away. 🙂